Part 1 of just some hard truth

It brings me GREAT sadness to expose this but I've got to do it sometime.. This is not a secret, it's just that I don't exactly announce it on FB coz people say it's not nice to do that, as if I am purposely announcing things that I am not proud of, something like that..

To cut the LOOOOOOOOOONG story short, I got married in 1999.

I had my 1st daughter in 2005, who then passed away in 2007, 2008 had my boy, 2009 had my girl..

The long version:

Within that 6 years, I didn't want to meet people after a while coz I HATE it when people ask me WHEN am I going to have a baby like I had a choice, or like I didn't want one on purpose.. I stopped going to gatherings or kenduris just to avoid what I feel were STUPID & IGNORANT questions.. not counting the remarks that people make at work or just ANYWHERE!! It came to the point that I'd end up having an argument, a fight or crying.. hence my hubby would quickly take me home to avoid further unwanted incidents.
I'm sure you have experienced this too... right? Well, I hope not, I hope everyone around you (if we are in the same boat) is more supportive :)

So in 2005, after a series of unwanted no-need-to-mention events, a girl who already has 3 children promised to give me her baby for adoption. 2 weeks later, someone called to say that the baby was given to someone else as they 'took care' of her.. I was devastated!!
Can you even imagine my frustration?

5 days later, the middle person called to say that the couple didn't want the baby so we hurried to the meeting place & quickly grabbed the opportunity... So legally, that very day we made the mother sign the adoption letter & all. The mother was rather confused on why her baby was thrown around, she wanted to keep the baby but I gave her no chance to say anything, saying that I don't mind about what had happened, I was ready to take a good care of her. She was born Eika Natasya but we named her Airina Balqish the minute we made the decision to 'have' her weeks before that.

We were one happy but sleepless family until a month later.. We went to the clinique to give her her 1 month jab & had the shock of our lives when the doctor told us that she had cataract in her eye & also a hole in her heart... I DID bring her to an expensive private hospital for a thourough check up, just in case but they didn't find anything wrong with her. Not that I didn't want her if she was ill, it's just that if she was sick, we wanted to do everything we can to cure her.. That's all..

And so, our series of visits to the hospital carried on like the hospital was our 2nd home... almost every 2 weeks, we had appointments, either for her eye or for her heart etc.. Within that time also, I had a miscarriage for running in a Teacher's Day race & of course, of fate.

At 3 months, she was suddenly breathless & blue, white more like so we rushed her to the emergency unit. She almost.....
She suffered her 1st pneumonia & hospitalised for 2 weeks, thus so was I, meaning I (we) didn't come home at all & just stayed there. She was hospitalised again & again, having to prepare for her cataract operation which eventually took place when she was 6 months old.

Her heart operation was to take place after requesting a 'plug' which costed 10K from the government as I am a gov servant. So, I made the arrangements & filled in the forms & wrote the letters of request accordingly & wait....

At 2 years old, she still couldn't speak though she was a very active girl & very naughty too!! So we went to ENT & found out that she had hearing problems too... It turned out that she had Rubella syndrome, her mum probably had German measles when she was pregnant & she didn't even know it.. anyway, imagine our devastation again!! We sort of suspected that she couldn't hear but my husband insisted that she could, probably not wanting to accept the fact or hoping for the best or a MIRACLE I guess...

At 2 1/2, after a week of raya, she fell sick & didn't recover so we decided to take her to the hospital. She was diagnosed for pneumonia again. On the 8th day which was on a Friday, we got her showered, dressed & ready to go home only to find her out of breath again... The oxygen came too late to rescue her as it was at 7 and the nurses' shifts were either ending or beginning. The doctors did everyting they could, she was announced gone at 11... She passed away on 21st of Syawal that year. She didn’t even get to wear all her raya costumes…. :"(

For weeks we cried & cried. I cried at night, not being able to sleep at night. When I finally fell asleep, I would be awaken in the morning because of the 'shaken' bed, finding my husband crying too...
That's how we were for a month, till he had a high fever and was admitted too! Naturally, I was by his side the whole time. We suspected that he was down with pneumonia too. It was not until a few days later that the doctor found out that he had sinus infections, under his cheeks just beside his nose, on both sides. I mainly think it was due to too much crying as men had never cried in their life before, right? He had to undergo an operation to remove the infections and had to be under full anaesthetic too, which was indeed very worrying.

Alhamdulillah, after 3 hours of being in the Opertion Theatre, he came out well and healthy again...

3 more yummies in THE LIST!!

After a week of deprivation and turning pale ( I was in front of the mirror, asking my husband if I was already glowing, he said 'hmmm a bit, but you look pale'), now Mior tells me that walnut, tomatoes and dark chocolate are in THE LIST too? What?!! Arrgghhhh.. why didn't he tell me earlier? Did he do this on purpose? Just so I would suffer first and be grateful later?! Hmmmph.. Never mind, at least I found out soon enough and not on the last day of this 28days set!
I'm hoping for more though for I am kind of tired of eating the same thing. Won't you? i mean, won't you feel like throwing up after eating the same things over and over and over for almost a week? Don't worry, I'm trying to hang on, as long as nothing too goodylicious comes to tempt my appetite ;P

Double-Standard French Toasts

I made French Toasts for breakfast yesterday, before going for that extra class. Wait, wait! Before you even say anything, no! The answer is NO! I have not violated THE LIST's fishrules & fruitregulations =)

Only, extra virgin olive oil was used, whole grain bread, and of course only egg white. Since wasting food is not how I was brought up, (hence the accumulation of weight) I must impose the yolk on someone else! Who else if not my dear beloved husband. So, I also made him some french toast but using only the yolk hahaha. This is so selfish of me right? I aim to be healthy and good looking while all the fat and unwanted are dumped on him. Hahahah never mind, it is just temporary and it's not everyday that I do that to him. Most of the time, we eat the same stuff, except during our working hours.


The healthy toast


The not so healthy one


Can you see the difference in colour?

Anyway, after preparing breakfast and having put them ready on the table, I went to get something in the room in front. My husband came out and started munching the toasts. I then suddenly remembered something, "Sayang! Which toasts are you eating?".
He was startled, so he put the toasts down. I went to see straight away and yes, I was right, my intuition was right! He had eaten mine!! That served me right for being double standard!!


What was left of my healthy french toast!!

Ahh never mind.. I got ready, got everyone in the car, out of the gate and I came to another realisation! I haven't even eaten what was left of my breakfast and i was already running late! So, my hubby had to run and get it for me, so just I could put it in my hadbag and have it later. He is such a sweet pie...

When I got to class, as usual, I asked if my students have had their breakfast. I told them this double standard french toast story and they laughed! I took out the toasts and asked if anyone was interested in having it for 20 sen, they almost fell off their chair with tears!!

A Rainbow Coloured Life Worth Living

I've been up since 3 a.m for no apparent reason! May be it was my stomach cramps, maybe it was the cold medicine, or perhaps and yes I am pretty sure that it's because of all the going-ons in my life!!!

I guess we've all done something in our life that we're not proud of, something that makes us feel so remorseful that we wish we can turn back the clock (well, we can turn back the clock, we just can't turn back time). If that is done and over with, all that we can do is repent and ask for His forgiveness. When things do go wrong, family's support and a friend's advice and comforting words may be the only substance that keep us alive. (Dikwi once messaged me that things happen for a reason and I never thanked her for that. So Dikwi, thank you for reminding me:) Despite the thick and thin and lost and found friendship that we have, I love you still, no matter what, I cherish the good and happy moments with you. Sham, Adik, Kak Talha and Kak Sue, thank you for always being there for me when I need you the most, I love you guys) Ooops, this has turned into a soapy piece of dedication slot!!

I am also sure that at times, we do or say things, (or didn't do and didn't say things for that matter) that keep us awake at night. Despite of the uncountable number of sheeps we have been counting. All we can do is perhaps, keep counting that sheep I say!! Make them jump over the fence a little bit higher!!

At the very least, we must have also done things that we are proud of, that make us smile, even in our sleep!! So I guess, whatever that goes on in our daily life significantly affects our sleep, our consciousness as well as subconsciousness and may result in unconsciousness!!

What is important is that what we have not done. I mean, the future. What we have not done, YET. There's no use crying over spilt milk, or torn dress or broken heels or chapped lipstick or smeared mascara or curry puffed tudung or ... (okay, okay, my vanity has gotten into me). What is done is done. there's no going back, no rewinding and play and forwarding in life. Even the movie, 'Click' has proven this to be disastrous!! So yes, the important thing is to step forward, carry on with our lives and try to do the right thing (though right may turn out to be wrong). Take one step at a time, one day as it comes and hope that we may live to cherish more..

Like one of my favourite quotes, "only a life lived for others is worth living" Albert Einstein. What's the use of pasting this on my wall IF I myself don't believe in it, if I don't make myself useful to others? I am definitely not selfish (I hope not!), I haven't been and I don't intend on being so (though sometimes I feel that a little seljellyfishness won't hurt, so others won't kick you around or you MUST get your way, just this one little tiny weeny time, heheh). Hence, I wish and am still trying my best to make my life worth living, not just for me, for my family first and foremost, my friends, students and all around me. Insyaallah..

I'd better get ready for my extra class (hint, hint, hint) for my students now, before I become worthless and do noboody any good by just sitting on my bed, typing this post!

Diet again? Lessons Learnt If Not...

25th January 2010 dinner time, I started the so called 'THE LIST' (below) diet.
Though my 'sifu' would consider today as my only second day, I would like to claim that today is my THIRD day. Well, my life starts at night, okay? hahaha.

The 'very limited choice diet' does present me some problems (anyone for that matter!), not only that there are only three types of fish to choose from for my supply of protein, there is only ONE choice of vegetable too!!! Spinach!!! What?!! I even have to forget my love for green tomatoes?! I am not Popeye The Sailorman you know... The worst is yet to come, I cannot even get my hands on any 'talapia' or salmon let alone other type of berries other than grapes. Even that is hard to find around here. So, not only that it is rather difficult to get hold of these stuffs, they are also expensive. Or should this be the other way around? Never mind. Grapes are RM18 a kilogramme while grape juice is RM5 a carton (not that I am ac-counting). Maybe, I would slim down after all, if not my figure, my purse of course ;)

I really do not know hong long I would last, the most that I am targetting right now is at least ten days, if not the full twenty-eight days (oh, sifu, please don't put a curse on me for saying this). To me, even if I last a week, that is good enough. Victory in its own right! At least, this would teach me some discipline. Talking about discipline, THE LIST's diet has definitely given me some lessons in discipline and to have a paradigm shift (in view of food that is):

1. To be more active:
I say this as I have to be up and about, like going to the bank to withdraw some money, go to the market to get 'all' (whatever that I could get anyway) the stuffs needed for my new menu, come home, soak the catfish in vinegar, then clean them using flour, by the way, cleaning a catfish takes a lot of hardwork what with the slime and all. Luckily the 'killing' of the beasts was done by the fishmonger, otherwise I would have died first trying to chase the fish before I could eat them! I would then have to marinate them and of course the process goes on, and on... Anyway, I would have otherwise just gone to eat at restaurants or 'ordered' a takeaway from my husband, if I was lazy that is, which is mostly... most of the time! heheh

2. To stay focused:
I find that I am more focused on what I do, other than blogging (which is very rare) and of course what I do best, Facebooking haha.. No, seriously.. I can focus on my work (yeah, right!) as I don't need to think of the menu for dinner, get myself all excited, salivating for the dinner dishes-to-be!! So, I don't have to waste my time on thinking of varieties of 'what to cooks' or, to worry if there is any food left at the school canteen as I am usually there at 10.00 am. When there isn't I would usually get mad and throw tantrums like I own the damn place! :P

3. To be economical, a non-shopaholic:
It has also taught me to be less spendthrift!!! This is true! Though the diet consists of some expensive items that has not been my everyday food, fruit or drink, it helps me to stay focused (again!) on just these few things. I would have otherwise gone to the market/supermarket and bought anything and everything that caught my eyes, or tastebuds for that matter. I would, literally! I would have bought three or four types of chillies alone. 'Cili padi' for example; the green type, the white type (yummily hot and spicy), the Siamese type and sometimes the big fat type! I would also buy all kinds of 'ulam' or salads which would all come to waste as I would let them rot in my fridge. Not that I don't eat them, I do, but I have definitely bought too much for my family's food intake, even if it is just for a week.

4. To be creative:
The only fish that is easily available in this kampung is 'keli' or catfish. In order to eat the catfish alone as a dish, as opposed to complementing the rice, I decided to marinate it the Italian way (haha ;P ) instead of just the usual tumeric and salt. It turned out to be truly delicious and satisfying actually. I even made a catfish sandwich for yesterday's lunch.. Yummy!! Though I imagined it as tuna sandwich, it really was not too bad. Seriously.. You should try it.. I'll post the recipe some other time. It's just simple really.

5. To be not blotted :)
Hahahah I usually eat as much as I want and that goes for my beloved husband too. In our eleven year of marriage I have gradually gained twenty-five kilogrammes! This is not because of bearing children, don't blame them (because that is another story) but this is solely due to our lazy lifestyle and our habit of eating. We would seriously eat and enjoy our food without any guilt. A pot of rice each and sometimes a whole chicken just between the two of us! That is not even counting the fast food restaurants that we go to every weekend!

I have therefore declared some of the lessons that I have learnt out of this twenty-eight days diet (though I am only on my third day). I am sure each person would feel the same or perhaps would go through a different experience altogether depending on location, situation and most importantly, your own self-determination!

Let's try and enjoy this twenty-eight day adventure!!!

Beauty Tips from a friend that takes 28 days *sigh*

Courtesy of Mior Azman:

the only things you can eat for 28 days.....eggwhite(poached), Salmon or tilapia(steamed or grilled), grapes or any kind of berries, bean curd(fried with olive oil), spinach(blanch or raw), whole grain bread(whole meal also can), oats, red wine(a glass a day) or grape juice, olive oil.

for your skin...in the morning, milk/cream cleanser, then facial wash/ facial foam, then toner, then serum(depending on your skin issue), then moisturiser(depending on skin type), then sunblock(eventhough you're not going out), then lipbalm with Spf, then eye gel/ cream( if needed).

in the evening....milk/cream cleanser, then facial wash/ facial foam, the face scrub(the gentle type), then toner, then serum(depending on your skin issue), then night cream, then lipbalm, then eye cream...

Keep doing all these 28 days continuously without fail, you CANNOT miss, not even one day....at the end of the 28 days, your skin will glow like you have had botox done and you'll be healthy slim.....Any questions?

God's Gifts

We are chosen by Him for lots of different things.. To me, it is what it is, was what was, what's meant to be, would be, despite all the effort & struggle to go against it. All our hurdles in life, even our 'gifts' are all from Him.

Like all borrowed things that must be returned, what we have on earth are temporary be it husbands, wives, children..., all the luxuries in the world etc. We mustn't be proud simply because we are 'happy' (whatever that constitutes) in our marriage, we can buy anything that we want & that we are the one & only wife (& swear that we would only get married only once in our life) or we can bear children anytime we wish (& even set the date to get pregnant & choose the sex of the baby). I believe that God chooses us for certain things for definitely reasons of His own. We have to accept & redha whatever that is fated upon us. To those who consider themselves/ourselves lucky leading an 'easy' life, well, maybe that is your/our fate, or maybe the time hasn't come for tests to come your/our way yet.. whatever it is, think of Him & we'll stay sane. Insyaallah.. ;) erkk.. now I sound like an ustazah :P

(a response to a friend's notes via FB)