Sunday, April 25, 2010

Part 1 of just some hard truth

It brings me GREAT sadness to expose this but I've got to do it sometime.. This is not a secret, it's just that I don't exactly announce it on FB coz people say it's not nice to do that, as if I am purposely announcing things that I am not proud of, something like that..

To cut the LOOOOOOOOOONG story short, I got married in 1999.

I had my 1st daughter in 2005, who then passed away in 2007, 2008 had my boy, 2009 had my girl..

The long version:

Within that 6 years, I didn't want to meet people after a while coz I HATE it when people ask me WHEN am I going to have a baby like I had a choice, or like I didn't want one on purpose.. I stopped going to gatherings or kenduris just to avoid what I feel were STUPID & IGNORANT questions.. not counting the remarks that people make at work or just ANYWHERE!! It came to the point that I'd end up having an argument, a fight or crying.. hence my hubby would quickly take me home to avoid further unwanted incidents.
I'm sure you have experienced this too... right? Well, I hope not, I hope everyone around you (if we are in the same boat) is more supportive :)

So in 2005, after a series of unwanted no-need-to-mention events, a girl who already has 3 children promised to give me her baby for adoption. 2 weeks later, someone called to say that the baby was given to someone else as they 'took care' of her.. I was devastated!!
Can you even imagine my frustration?

5 days later, the middle person called to say that the couple didn't want the baby so we hurried to the meeting place & quickly grabbed the opportunity... So legally, that very day we made the mother sign the adoption letter & all. The mother was rather confused on why her baby was thrown around, she wanted to keep the baby but I gave her no chance to say anything, saying that I don't mind about what had happened, I was ready to take a good care of her. She was born Eika Natasya but we named her Airina Balqish the minute we made the decision to 'have' her weeks before that.

We were one happy but sleepless family until a month later.. We went to the clinique to give her her 1 month jab & had the shock of our lives when the doctor told us that she had cataract in her eye & also a hole in her heart... I DID bring her to an expensive private hospital for a thourough check up, just in case but they didn't find anything wrong with her. Not that I didn't want her if she was ill, it's just that if she was sick, we wanted to do everything we can to cure her.. That's all..

And so, our series of visits to the hospital carried on like the hospital was our 2nd home... almost every 2 weeks, we had appointments, either for her eye or for her heart etc.. Within that time also, I had a miscarriage for running in a Teacher's Day race & of course, of fate.

At 3 months, she was suddenly breathless & blue, white more like so we rushed her to the emergency unit. She almost.....
She suffered her 1st pneumonia & hospitalised for 2 weeks, thus so was I, meaning I (we) didn't come home at all & just stayed there. She was hospitalised again & again, having to prepare for her cataract operation which eventually took place when she was 6 months old.

Her heart operation was to take place after requesting a 'plug' which costed 10K from the government as I am a gov servant. So, I made the arrangements & filled in the forms & wrote the letters of request accordingly & wait....

At 2 years old, she still couldn't speak though she was a very active girl & very naughty too!! So we went to ENT & found out that she had hearing problems too... It turned out that she had Rubella syndrome, her mum probably had German measles when she was pregnant & she didn't even know it.. anyway, imagine our devastation again!! We sort of suspected that she couldn't hear but my husband insisted that she could, probably not wanting to accept the fact or hoping for the best or a MIRACLE I guess...

At 2 1/2, after a week of raya, she fell sick & didn't recover so we decided to take her to the hospital. She was diagnosed for pneumonia again. On the 8th day which was on a Friday, we got her showered, dressed & ready to go home only to find her out of breath again... The oxygen came too late to rescue her as it was at 7 and the nurses' shifts were either ending or beginning. The doctors did everyting they could, she was announced gone at 11... She passed away on 21st of Syawal that year. She didn’t even get to wear all her raya costumes…. :"(

For weeks we cried & cried. I cried at night, not being able to sleep at night. When I finally fell asleep, I would be awaken in the morning because of the 'shaken' bed, finding my husband crying too...
That's how we were for a month, till he had a high fever and was admitted too! Naturally, I was by his side the whole time. We suspected that he was down with pneumonia too. It was not until a few days later that the doctor found out that he had sinus infections, under his cheeks just beside his nose, on both sides. I mainly think it was due to too much crying as men had never cried in their life before, right? He had to undergo an operation to remove the infections and had to be under full anaesthetic too, which was indeed very worrying.

Alhamdulillah, after 3 hours of being in the Opertion Theatre, he came out well and healthy again...

Sunday, January 31, 2010

3 more yummies in THE LIST!!

After a week of deprivation and turning pale ( I was in front of the mirror, asking my husband if I was already glowing, he said 'hmmm a bit, but you look pale'), now Mior tells me that walnut, tomatoes and dark chocolate are in THE LIST too? What?!! Arrgghhhh.. why didn't he tell me earlier? Did he do this on purpose? Just so I would suffer first and be grateful later?! Hmmmph.. Never mind, at least I found out soon enough and not on the last day of this 28days set!
I'm hoping for more though for I am kind of tired of eating the same thing. Won't you? i mean, won't you feel like throwing up after eating the same things over and over and over for almost a week? Don't worry, I'm trying to hang on, as long as nothing too goodylicious comes to tempt my appetite ;P

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Double-Standard French Toasts

I made French Toasts for breakfast yesterday, before going for that extra class. Wait, wait! Before you even say anything, no! The answer is NO! I have not violated THE LIST's fishrules & fruitregulations =)

Only, extra virgin olive oil was used, whole grain bread, and of course only egg white. Since wasting food is not how I was brought up, (hence the accumulation of weight) I must impose the yolk on someone else! Who else if not my dear beloved husband. So, I also made him some french toast but using only the yolk hahaha. This is so selfish of me right? I aim to be healthy and good looking while all the fat and unwanted are dumped on him. Hahahah never mind, it is just temporary and it's not everyday that I do that to him. Most of the time, we eat the same stuff, except during our working hours.

The healthy toast

The not so healthy one

Can you see the difference in colour?

Anyway, after preparing breakfast and having put them ready on the table, I went to get something in the room in front. My husband came out and started munching the toasts. I then suddenly remembered something, "Sayang! Which toasts are you eating?".
He was startled, so he put the toasts down. I went to see straight away and yes, I was right, my intuition was right! He had eaten mine!! That served me right for being double standard!!

What was left of my healthy french toast!!

Ahh never mind.. I got ready, got everyone in the car, out of the gate and I came to another realisation! I haven't even eaten what was left of my breakfast and i was already running late! So, my hubby had to run and get it for me, so just I could put it in my hadbag and have it later. He is such a sweet pie...

When I got to class, as usual, I asked if my students have had their breakfast. I told them this double standard french toast story and they laughed! I took out the toasts and asked if anyone was interested in having it for 20 sen, they almost fell off their chair with tears!!

Friday, January 29, 2010

A Rainbow Coloured Life Worth Living

I've been up since 3 a.m for no apparent reason! May be it was my stomach cramps, maybe it was the cold medicine, or perhaps and yes I am pretty sure that it's because of all the going-ons in my life!!!

I guess we've all done something in our life that we're not proud of, something that makes us feel so remorseful that we wish we can turn back the clock (well, we can turn back the clock, we just can't turn back time). If that is done and over with, all that we can do is repent and ask for His forgiveness. When things do go wrong, family's support and a friend's advice and comforting words may be the only substance that keep us alive. (Dikwi once messaged me that things happen for a reason and I never thanked her for that. So Dikwi, thank you for reminding me:) Despite the thick and thin and lost and found friendship that we have, I love you still, no matter what, I cherish the good and happy moments with you. Sham, Adik, Kak Talha and Kak Sue, thank you for always being there for me when I need you the most, I love you guys) Ooops, this has turned into a soapy piece of dedication slot!!

I am also sure that at times, we do or say things, (or didn't do and didn't say things for that matter) that keep us awake at night. Despite of the uncountable number of sheeps we have been counting. All we can do is perhaps, keep counting that sheep I say!! Make them jump over the fence a little bit higher!!

At the very least, we must have also done things that we are proud of, that make us smile, even in our sleep!! So I guess, whatever that goes on in our daily life significantly affects our sleep, our consciousness as well as subconsciousness and may result in unconsciousness!!

What is important is that what we have not done. I mean, the future. What we have not done, YET. There's no use crying over spilt milk, or torn dress or broken heels or chapped lipstick or smeared mascara or curry puffed tudung or ... (okay, okay, my vanity has gotten into me). What is done is done. there's no going back, no rewinding and play and forwarding in life. Even the movie, 'Click' has proven this to be disastrous!! So yes, the important thing is to step forward, carry on with our lives and try to do the right thing (though right may turn out to be wrong). Take one step at a time, one day as it comes and hope that we may live to cherish more..

Like one of my favourite quotes, "only a life lived for others is worth living" Albert Einstein. What's the use of pasting this on my wall IF I myself don't believe in it, if I don't make myself useful to others? I am definitely not selfish (I hope not!), I haven't been and I don't intend on being so (though sometimes I feel that a little seljellyfishness won't hurt, so others won't kick you around or you MUST get your way, just this one little tiny weeny time, heheh). Hence, I wish and am still trying my best to make my life worth living, not just for me, for my family first and foremost, my friends, students and all around me. Insyaallah..

I'd better get ready for my extra class (hint, hint, hint) for my students now, before I become worthless and do noboody any good by just sitting on my bed, typing this post!