Nisza's Beats & Peaces: mother's day

It brings me GREAT sadness to expose this but I've got to do it sometime.. This is not a secret, it's just that I don't exactly announce it on FB coz people say it's not nice to do that, as if I am purposely announcing things that I am not proud of, something like that..

To cut the LOOOOOOOOOONG story short, I got married in 1999.

I had my 1st daughter in 2005, who then passed away in 2007, 2008 had my boy, 2009 had my girl..

The long version:

Within that 6 years, I didn't want to meet people after a while coz I HATE it when people ask me WHEN am I going to have a baby like I had a choice, or like I didn't want one on purpose.. I stopped going to gatherings or kenduris just to avoid what I feel were STUPID & IGNORANT questions.. not counting the remarks that people make at work or just ANYWHERE!! It came to the point that I'd end up having an argument, a fight or crying.. hence my hubby would quickly take me home to avoid further unwanted incidents.
I'm sure you have experienced this too... right? Well, I hope not, I hope everyone around you (if we are in the same boat) is more supportive :)

So in 2005, after a series of unwanted no-need-to-mention events, a girl who already has 3 children promised to give me her baby for adoption. 2 weeks later, someone called to say that the baby was given to someone else as they 'took care' of her.. I was devastated!!
Can you even imagine my frustration?

5 days later, the middle person called to say that the couple didn't want the baby so we hurried to the meeting place & quickly grabbed the opportunity... So legally, that very day we made the mother sign the adoption letter & all. The mother was rather confused on why her baby was thrown around, she wanted to keep the baby but I gave her no chance to say anything, saying that I don't mind about what had happened, I was ready to take a good care of her. She was born Eika Natasya but we named her Airina Balqish the minute we made the decision to 'have' her weeks before that.

We were one happy but sleepless family until a month later.. We went to the clinique to give her her 1 month jab & had the shock of our lives when the doctor told us that she had cataract in her eye & also a hole in her heart... I DID bring her to an expensive private hospital for a thourough check up, just in case but they didn't find anything wrong with her. Not that I didn't want her if she was ill, it's just that if she was sick, we wanted to do everything we can to cure her.. That's all..

And so, our series of visits to the hospital carried on like the hospital was our 2nd home... almost every 2 weeks, we had appointments, either for her eye or for her heart etc.. Within that time also, I had a miscarriage for running in a Teacher's Day race & of course, of fate.

At 3 months, she was suddenly breathless & blue, white more like so we rushed her to the emergency unit. She almost.....
She suffered her 1st pneumonia & hospitalised for 2 weeks, thus so was I, meaning I (we) didn't come home at all & just stayed there. She was hospitalised again & again, having to prepare for her cataract operation which eventually took place when she was 6 months old.

Her heart operation was to take place after requesting a 'plug' which costed 10K from the government as I am a gov servant. So, I made the arrangements & filled in the forms & wrote the letters of request accordingly & wait....

At 2 years old, she still couldn't speak though she was a very active girl & very naughty too!! So we went to ENT & found out that she had hearing problems too... It turned out that she had Rubella syndrome, her mum probably had German measles when she was pregnant & she didn't even know it.. anyway, imagine our devastation again!! We sort of suspected that she couldn't hear but my husband insisted that she could, probably not wanting to accept the fact or hoping for the best or a MIRACLE I guess...

At 2 1/2, after a week of raya, she fell sick & didn't recover so we decided to take her to the hospital. She was diagnosed for pneumonia again. On the 8th day which was on a Friday, we got her showered, dressed & ready to go home only to find her out of breath again... The oxygen came too late to rescue her as it was at 7 and the nurses' shifts were either ending or beginning. The doctors did everyting they could, she was announced gone at 11... She passed away on 21st of Syawal that year. She didn’t even get to wear all her raya costumes…. :"(

For weeks we cried & cried. I cried at night, not being able to sleep at night. When I finally fell asleep, I would be awaken in the morning because of the 'shaken' bed, finding my husband crying too...
That's how we were for a month, till he had a high fever and was admitted too! Naturally, I was by his side the whole time. We suspected that he was down with pneumonia too. It was not until a few days later that the doctor found out that he had sinus infections, under his cheeks just beside his nose, on both sides. I mainly think it was due to too much crying as men had never cried in their life before, right? He had to undergo an operation to remove the infections and had to be under full anaesthetic too, which was indeed very worrying.

Alhamdulillah, after 3 hours of being in the Opertion Theatre, he came out well and healthy again...

Earliest dawn
just before the sun peeks
to brighten this wonderful Sunday
just before the morning dew
gets touched by the sun

Airina Balqish,
you came to me
in my sleep
you came to me
subconsciously
you came to me
to touch my heart
you came
to see me

you looked at me
you smiled at me
you reminded me

I am your mother
you are my dauhgter
now and forever

I may not be the best mother
a child could ever have
I may not be the perfect mother
that you could ever had
I may not give
all that you ever wanted

but I hope I was good enough
to have made you happy
and provided
the love tender and care
that you ever needed
and I hope to be a better mother
for Ammar Darwish and Aimy Alisya

Airina Balqish,
I hope you would pray for me
I hope you would wait for me
I hope for us to be together

for I wish to see you
not just in my sleep
not just in my dreams
but for eternity

Thank you
for giving me
the best Mother's Day gift
by coming to see me
by visitting me
though only in my dream

I love you